Peeling the Onion

We are all very layered human beings. Our thoughts and emotions have many levels that go deep into our cores. Healing any past trauma or hurt on the surface does not heel the deep wounds. They remain there deep inside as a reminder that the hurt is still there. In order to truly heal, we have to peel back each layer until we get to the root. There may be a lot of emotions that may come up, but learning to process and understand them is key to your healing.

I had a lot of unresolved pain with my mother when she died. I thought we resolved them before she died, because we talked about all the issues we had and said our apologies. We hugged each other and cried for weeks. I felt refreshed and she admitted to me that she did too. Well after she transitioned, all of that pain came right back to the surface. Certain events or things would trigger it. The feeling of not being "worthy" or "good enough" would come back. I would find myself angry with her and then feel bad because she was no longer here. Why am I angry? Shouldn't I be grieving? All of those feelings of neglect or feeling like I mattered came back. I started to peel back the layers to get to the root cause of my pain. I noticed that every layer was more difficult to peel. I cried more and more as the layers deepened. Once I made it to the center, I found the source of that pain. It came from an incident that happened when I was 5 years old. When I told her when I was 12 years old, she did nothing. She asked me to not speak of it. When I had concerts and award ceremonies she never came, but managed to make it to all of my brothers' festivities. I didn't think those things bothered me at the time, but they did. I had to dig deep down inside and forgive my mother and understand that she was a product of her environment. I had to take a look at myself, because I realized that some of the things she did to me, I did to my children. I missed a lot of their school activities, because I had to work so much. I thought saying I had to work would give me a pass. But it didn't. . . I am still until this day making amends for what I missed in their lives because of work. Once I forgave my mother, I had one more task to do. This task would prove to be the hardest. I had to forgive myself. I forgave myself for holding on to that pain for so long. I forgave myself for continuing the generational curse.

If you are tired of the same pain surfacing after you think you have healed yourself, then there is a deeper cause. Start peeling back those layers. Make sure you have tissue with you, because the aroma is sure to cause some tears to fall.

Thank You for reading this